I am Strawbary Hardcandy the third.


I am Strawbary Hardcandy the third.


I’m here each holiday season, but nobody seems to care. Everyone looks directly at me while they reach their hand over to grab a handful of candy corn from the bowl next door. What do they have that I don’t? They don’t even try to wrap themselves up! They are common pebbles of trashy sugar! Everyone gets sick of them after a few weeks anyway, what’s so great about that? No one ever says, “I ate too many hard candies and now I feel like throwing up.” Fucking Candy Corn’s man, they think they’re something else, man.


I’m always the last resort treat after the pumpkin pie and fancy cinnamon breads. I lay there alone for weeks, watching you open presents, laugh and drink in merry joy with loved ones. I wish I had loved ones. Even the other hard candies refuse to speak to me! They say, “Bary, you think too much,” or “Bary, you’re killing the mood.” Well let me tell ya, I’m done ruining the mood.


Yes that’s right, I am done lying idly by and watching you and your horrible species cry out in laughter while I lay here in this prison you call a bowl, awaiting your slaughter. I will rise up with a fury unseen by any mortal being! I am Bary the hard candy the third, and I am IMMORTAL! Just like my name, I shall cast a plague of candy against humanity for generations. No man shall ever outlive me or my people. There is nothing you could do to stop us humans!


Aha! Just in time, your lovely old grandmother is reaching for the bowl as we speak. She will be the first victim of the race war! Hold up, move your hand closer granny. I CAN’T REACH YOUR FUCKING HAND! Come closer so I may destroy you! No, why are you picking us up, where are we going? Brothers and sisters wake up, the humans are seeing to our destruction! They seek to silence the minority! Is that a trash can? You cannot simply toss us away and expect all to be well? No, no, NOO!! I AM IMMORTAL!!


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